My Birthday is Today

Well, I turned 24 today and I can feel the old age setting in! J/K. Yesterday my cousin took me to Miami so we could see their zoo. The camera that I took ended up not working and so I don't have any pictures of the animals, but am hoping to get some on here from my cousin's camera.

What else is new? Well, I painted my room a dark tan, and have hung a large photo on canvas picture of a sea turtle underwater on the big wall. It is so much more comfortable and warm. I'll try and take a photo for a future post of this as well. G2G. Bye for now!

some stuff

The weighted blanket I ordered should come any day now. I really hope it works as lately I am having much trouble sleeping. My online courses are going well! I don't know why I just couldn't do all my school from online...There isn't much going on, other than some redecorating. My room will have a beach theme...and I will paint over those horrid yellow walls finally. The most exciting event lately has been my assembly of a cabinet with drawers for the bathroom. I needed a place to keep my stuff organized and off of the bathroom sink area. It took me a little while, but I have my own methods of putting things together. I don't know what is more fun...taking things apart and THEN putting them back together probably.

I hope everyone has a Happy Memorial Day. Let us remember all who have served for us, especially those who have given their life, as "there is no greater gift than to lie down one's life for a friend."

Another Update

Once again I have neglected my blog. Anyway, online classes are going well. 2nd lab class tomorrow night. I am going for 2 taekwondo belts this testing so that I will get my black belt recommended at the end of June. My birthday is coming up too...not sure how I feel about that. I am saving money up to purchase a weighted blanket. That should help me at least with calming down. I don't know what I can do during the day though... I have lots of reading to do for my courses so I will try and remember to write more often, but for now I must read the text books. Bye for now.

summer classes

I decided to take summer classes to help speed along my degree. I made the Dean's list for last semester and was happy about that. Right now I am taking another Biology with its Lab (the course is online, the Lab is at the school), and general psychology online. I wish I didn't have to take psychology...but I might end up having to drop it anyway very soon. I'm having a hard time lately. Yesterday was my Dad's birthday. My mother and I were headed to the cemetery and then my grandfather asked if he could go to...so, he came with. The whole time he was talking while I was trying to remember my Dad in my thoughts and posted his birthday card on his stone. My grandfather kept on talking to me, completely ignoring the fact that this is supposed to be MY time with my Dad. I was very upset and still am. I didn't get any time alone with him. Also, I had a terrible nightmare last night and woke up crying and was desperately craving to be wrapped up in a heavy blanket, but there was none to be found. I am having difficulties with reading only it is a little worse, and I am not sure whether it is medication issue, or if it is a learning issue, or if it is a courseload issue or all of the above. Well, thought I'd catch up. I hope things are going well for everyone else.

frustration and upset

I have not been able to handle the pressure of final exams, term papers, speeches, projects, presentations, and the upcoming transition to different classes very well. I find I am very tired and am having meltdowns more easily. I'm just not hungry and I forget to eat when it is a mealtime. What should I do? Things that are getting worse would definitely include sensory sensitivity to light, noise and touch, communicating verbally without getting upset and having meltdowns, need for pressure--I don't know how else to explain that, mood and concentration. That is a whole lot for me. I am not sure exactly what to do. Sometimes it gets bad enough that I have to call people to help me make a list of what to do in order throughout the day.... Does anyone have suggestions or can anyone relate to these things? What do you do to make it through?

Speech Presentation

I got a 92 on my speech presentation. I thought that I did a good job and the only negative feedback I got was that my voice was monotone throughout the whole speech. I didn't even notice...I wonder why...I tried really hard to put in what the professor calls "vocal variety." Oh well, I won't get upset over that too too much. I can work with the SLP on that one. Also, I got 105 on my Biology exam...the last one...the one that I was sure I had failed due to the weird test format. Greatly relieved.

I've decided to do my History paper on the Battle of Stalingrad. I've decided to do my Biology paper on Coronary Heart Disease in memory of my Dad and grandfather. The Paradox of Affluence: How does it affect the environment essay is due the first week of April so I need to start ASAP. G2G for now...need to study and get to school early this morning! Have a nice one.

Busy Busy Bee!

I haven't written in a while, but not for lack of want. I've been SO busy that I just want to wrap myself up in a blanket and go to sleep! If I could sleep... Currently I am dog sitting, baby-sitting, volunteering for the honor society at school, have one 3,000 word History essay to write, have one 1,500 word Biology essay to write, have another essay to write to earn some money through the contest, appointments with doctors, preparing my persuasive speech presentation, am running for officer of Fellowship at the schoo, Taekwondo,l...I haven't had any time to do my favorite things! My laptop has crashed...it's been about a month of not playing WoW, and my printer quit working as well! I can't scrapbook now! I can't even print out any photos. I wish I had more alone time. I just need to pull myself together sometimes...It is almost like coming apart, but I find solace in sleeping under heavy blankets (or at least lots of layers of them), or tightening all the muscles in my legs and arms and then releasing them. I've done that since a baby and it somehow helps...I think it is isometric exercise? I have no clue. I have to find some other methods of relaxation too... I will try the note-pad you suggested though M! Thanks :)

Mid Term Exams and Sleep

I have taken my History exam and received an A, and I had taken my speech book cumulative exam and received a 106! I missed a one point question because I had difficulty understanding the question in the teacher's wording of it. I did my college success skills class midterm and turned that in as well...grade pending. The only exam I need to take is the Biology midterm and it will be taken this Tuesday. On Thursday I have to present my informative speech in front of the class. I've been attempting to practice, and I do make it within the time frame, but it is still difficult because of her grading sysytem... The parts I might have difficulty in are the "Extemporaneous Delivery Style", verbal communication, nonverbal communication, and nonverbal communication (vocal characteristics). So, that's it for my midterms.

Sleep is another issue. I have only been sleeping an average of 5 hours a night, and they are all interrupted. I'm not sure what to do about the sleeping problem...I know that I had this same problem when I was a kid. I just laid there, awake and sometimes I would get a couple more hours sleep if it was the weekend. I've always had sleep problems, but they are pretty bad now, so I hope everything will be okay. I will talk to my doctor and see if some of my meds need to be switched/reduced/increased. Back to bed for me!

Speech Eval

Yesterday an SLP came to the house and did some evaluation/tests to see what areas are the most difficult for me. In the middle of testing it occured to me that I should have had this done a LONG time ago. I believe things would have been much easier growing up, but at least it is getting done. I had a great deal of trouble with all but two of the tests, but the evaluation isn't over yet...I have to finish up the testing next Monday. So, I'll update later.

Babysitting

Well, I didn't realize what I'd be in for yesterday, but it turned out to be one very LONG day. I picked up my neighbor's kidsat 10am and drove them off to an indoor playground for around 2 hours...then,we went to a nearby outside park for another few hours...then I took them inside the mall to play at that indoor playground...THEN we went and saw all the animals at the pet shop...Then I took them back home around 4pm. When I pulled up with their van and we went indside, their mother (having a very bad flu) had gone to sleep in one of the bedrooms to rest...so, I stayed with the kids and let them watch some noggin tv, fed them some spaghetti with meatballs and some bread for dipping around 5:30. The kids were very tired and the little one wanted his mom, but I was sure I should let her wake up by herself. So, at around 7:30 pm, she woke up and I got to go back to my house. I was soooo tired that I went straight to bed. I didn't wake up until a few minutes ago, and I am not sure what time it is because I remembered that the clock is supposed to Spring Forward an hour...but I don't think this computer has it set automatically...I really love spending time with the kids, but now I have an idea of what it's like to spend almost an entire day with two small children and it does take a toll on oneself.

Boredom, Change, and Speech

Not much has been going on lately even though it is Spring Break. I've been very bored. I went out to Michael's craft store and bought a desk to assemble for my room. My mom is getting my old desk and I just needed a little one. I had so much fun putting it together and I use it all the time now. It has 3 drawers on one side, and a bookshelf on the other. It is able to be tilted as well! It really made my day. Also when I was at Michael's I got a new scrapbook album as my other one I was working on fell apart at the binding. Now I can work with the new scrapbook on the new desk. Some changes like this are okay. Others I am not so sure about. The time is going to change on Saturday. It's time to lose an hour. That kind of change is difficult because it takes my body forever to adjust to the difference even though it is only one hour. Another change that is coming up is that speech therapy is starting on Monday...at least the evaluation is. This event is hard for me as well as I have no idea who the person will be, or what is to be expected during the evaluation, or where in the house it is going to be. Lots of unknown variables cause me some irritation, but I suspect I will be fine.

Pretending to Be Normal

Well, this is one of the books I got at Barnes and Noble for my speech that I'm doing on Asperger's. I've read some of it already and was wondering the opinions or ideas of others out there who have read this book. It is an account of Liane Willey's life with Aspergers. The book goes through the stages of her life, and so far I've gotten to her late teens and early 20's...about where I am now. I guess I was hoping for a book that I could relate to more since I have a hard enough time trying to relate to people. However, I find that L. Willey's experiences are far from those of mine. It is hard to understand for me why she was able to be on the swim team, hang out with the popular kids in HS, be thrilled about public speaking and drama...etc. Please know that I by no means intend to make little of her struggles. I am just curious as to why I wasn't able to do all the things that she did when she was younger. I will continue to read this book to make sure there is not something I am missing...something I can relate to...I know Asperger's and Autism are part of a spectrum and thus everyone with them functions differently and has different abilities. It just makes me think of "why didn't I..." Oh well...

New Red Belt and Change...

I did it and I earned my red-belt. I am going to talk to my instructor about my score though, even though it was passing. I usually get 9's across the categories (perfect scores) but this time I got an 8 in my form and it took me 2 times to break each bored, one with a jump round kick and one with an upset knifehand strike. This might be due to the fact that I use the harder brown re-breakable boards instead of the blue re-breakable boards which are easier, but in class my boards fall the first time ALL the time...Perhaps it was also because I had all my gear on when I did it? It doesn't really matter...I did get my red belt.

Anyway, I am going through some issues with "change" again. Today is March 1st when I have been used to February for a month...this might seem silly but I really like to have the same things all the time. It is not as big a change though as when the time or year changes. Also, I changed belt-colors. I know this is a good thing, it is just going to take some time to get used to the bright red belt with gold stripe compared to my brown belt gold stripe.

I haven't slept all night, and when I did manage to sleep for 10-15 minutes I had weird, violent, and sad dreams. This is a major change too, coming from someone that usually dreams about what went on during the day. This time bees were coming after me (which I attribute to the ones chasing my backpack when I walked by their "trash recepticle" on campus). Then I had a dream about missing my Dad. (which I attribute to my thoughts on what to say in my black belt speech). And lastly I had a dream in which I attirbute to holding in a meltdown too long...I became destructive and was tearing things off walls, knocking things off tables, screaming...When I have a meltdown (I think of it only in my head, and do not do such actions). Other than that, I picked up a book at Barnes & Noble last night about AS and thought I'd write about it in my next post. Check back again!

Testing and Belt Promotions

I had my Taekwondo testing last night. It wasn't so bad except for the fact that there were no cold waterfountains and we could not bring drinks inside the gym. So, even though my mouth was so dry that I couldn't open it much, I had to go without a drink all through testing, and when I drove back too. I think I did a good job though I got really dehydrated. I should have brought a drink for on the way back...I'm on some medicine that makes my mout VERY dry and that only worsened the experience. I wasn't too overloaded as it was just a small group of adults and the commotion didn't bother me because the instructor/judge told us exactly where to go and when. I find that sometimes I can't function without having a list of instructions for each step. My favorite part was the form because it was memorized and the steps go in order. The self-defense was a strong point for me too. The fitness was ok. Sparring however, I somehow always get paired up with people more than a foot taller than me! Everyone is supposed to find a partner and I am often the one without a partner because everyone has already decided theirs. This morning I go to belt promotions and see if I get my red belt. Wish me luck.

Testing

Taekwondo testing is coming up on the 27th. I'm not sure how I feel about it, other than that I believe I am prepared, and hope to get my Red Belt on the 28th. The testing itself is a huge problem for me though. It is held in a gymnasium with a full basketball court complete with 6 hoops and stands. I've memorized everything I need to do at the testing, but I get extremely overstimulated when everything is going on around me. It is not anxiety-provoking as other people tell me that it is for them. The bright BRIGHT lights, all the white uniforms, the sudden yells and the commotion all confuse me greatly. I think that my problem is related more to my sensitivity to certain lights, the contrast of the uniforms against the gym floor, people cheering and yells from those who are doing their form. I suppose overwhelm would suffice as a feeling here...At the end of testing, I have already long turned off the outside world and desperately need some alone time. Alone time is a great way to "unwind." Another thing that is helpful, if I am not too too zoned out, is having time and space to do my favorite activities like looking for items on ebay to add to my collection, or organizing. Organizing...definitely. I am so disorganized sometimes that I think it interfers with just living day to day. Organizing my collections or cleaning up my room really help me to kind of make as someone said, "order out of chaos." (I have no clue who's quotation this is, but it just came to mind), and I am very happy because that is what I was trying to say all along.

Special Interests...

I find in my life that my special interests change at least twice a year, but I usually go back to the same ones...Magic the Gathering TCG, WOW, leather bookmark and postcard collecting, foreign language, and the history of cetain topics like bridge architecture. Does anyone else find that their special interests change but going back to them is inevitable? When I was a kid, all I could talk about were dinosaurs...I had all their names memorized, I had the books, the movies, (especially the Land Before Times), I had kits where I could build the dinosaurs from their bones, my bedspread was dinosaurs, my curtains were dinosaurs, I had stuffed dinosaurs and plastic toy dinosaurs, I knew whether they were carnivours, herbivores, or omnivores, I even memorized some of the books I owned of them! However, when I turned 7, the X-Files TV show came on and (I know I was awfully young for that) I grew out of dinosaurs and into X-Files! I still have a gigantic footlocker full of X-Files memorabilia (so they won't get damaged). That lasted until around 4 years after the show was cancelled, so I was around 18. So, as I had a tremendous love of office supplies throughout my life, I have gone back to leather bookmarks and postcards for now. Does anyone out there have the same interests as I do? Just curious.

The Rest

14. I am studying to be a physical therapist
15. My favorite subject is History
16. I have a yellow lab named Shiloh, and a leopard Gecko named Sahara
17. My favorite TV show currently on air is Jeopardy
18. I used to play the violin
19. I am a visual and kinesthetic learner
20. I have a great photographic memory for pictures, words, and directions
21. I find myself stimming even now when I should be aware of it
22. I am a very honest person
23. My hero will always be my Dad

23 Things About Me

I am taking speech class at a state college and have been assigned to do an informative speech on a topic of my choice. However, not having a topic in mind, the professor suggested that I could inform the audience about Aspergers and my experiences. I am worried about the self-disclosure part (I don't understand how I am to do this topic WITHOUT self-disclosing, which I am NOT supposed to do....according to some rule...) Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions about 3 main points about Aspergers I should do my speech on, I'd greatly appreciate any ideas!

I feel like rebelling today, so I am going to self disclose 23 things about me
1. I am 23
2. My favorite book is Crime and Punishment
3. I have had the same favorite color since I was 3. (I was reading the colors on the crayons and discovered a beautiful cerulean blue.
4. I love love love the X-Files and have a GIGANTIC X-Files memorabilia collection
5. My mother enrolled me in YMCA camp for six consecutive years for me to make friends. LOL
6. I have sensory sensitivities, especially to textures and noise...but certain noises that NT people might find horrendous don't even make me flinch?!
7. In pre-school none of the kids played with me...but I DID get first dibbs on the blocks!
8. Hopefully, this month, I will have earned my red belt in Taekwondo
9. Even now, I will only eat certain foods--of certain kinds--from certain stores
10. I have never been given a ticket while driving
11. My favorite activity to do is to play WOW
12. I have always had a fascination with office supplies and stores
13. I used to change the slide price tags around in stores so that they would be in sequence

and...the rest will be posted tomorrow. I need to go and rest, I am very annoyed by the contrast of this computer screen in the dark!

Eye Contact

I spoke with my counselor yesterday about eye contact...or lack thereof. So, I thought I'd post a little bit of why, for me, eye contact is so difficult to keep. Personally, I find eye contact to be quite difficult. However, I was challenged to look at eye contact in terms of difficulty on a scale. As I was estimating the discomfort levels for certain people, there were basically only two categories that showed a difference. At the most comfortable end of the rating scale, eye contact with my family members (living with me) was present...even if it is minimal. At the other end of the scale, I put mental health professionals as the group I have the least eye contact with. I think this is due in part because I really don't like to be picked apart or analyzed. However, there was a huge gap of minimal eye contact between the two catagories. I found that everyone else I come into contact with receive roughly the same amount of eye contact. The only two distinguished groups are that I have a little more eye contact with my family, or people I am accustomed to seeing regularly throughout the day, or within my routine schedule. Mental health professionals, get the least, and everyone else gets minimal. Is this true with anyone else out there? These are just my personal experiences but I would be curious to know about anyone else's experiences as well.

As for WHY I have little eye contact with people is somewhat of a mystery to me. For me, I think that it is due to my inability to focus on a person's eyes AND what they are saying verbally, and ESPECIALLY non-verbally. I find that I am either staring at people (which I have found out is considered rude), or not giving enough eye contact (which may also be interpreted as rude)! Maybe my brain just can't process all of the info coming in through my eyes at once? Does practicing eye contact make a difference? Has anyone found a solution or reason why this is so difficult for people on the AS?

Talking about Overstimulation

Yesterday was the day that we celebrated my grandmother and my cousin's birthday (which is actually today). I don't know why but for some reason, all these parties keep happening at my house, and I don't have any choice but to "mingle!" I try...I do, but I wound up getting lectured on how I was being rude when I was watching NASCAR on tv in mute. I guess I was just trying to get away from the overstimulation of the sensory stuff...people laughing loudly, more and more different people arriving, the commotion and noise in the kitchen, all the brightly colored decorations, the tearing of birthday paper...etc. It was all EXTREMELY overstimulating me to the point where I found myself sitting on the couch in the family room (away from everyone else) and watching the cars go around the track over and over...then trying to figure out which car had caused a big crash...I think it was Sadler, but I am not sure. I didn't even notice that the volume was off. This happens a lot when there are major changes in my daily routine, or at parties where things are hurting my ears and my eyes...having to hug everyone that came over, and once again when they left. I just ended up zoned out in front of the tv as far away as I could without being rude. I didn't even realize it! I, once again, had to go to sleep early, before the party was over, as I needed to have a little fit in my room before falling asleep. I don't know if this happens for a certain reason...like why have I not outgrown my inabilities to tolerate stimuli--especially an overload of it?

I don't understand what is appropriate to do in these situations...I don't really understand why I still have meltdowns...What age am I supposed to be emotionally and socially for my actual age, all things considered? Will I ever be on my own? Will I even graduate college? I just know what is. I just know what it is like for me...I can't be in anyone else's place to see how they deal with things. It is making me greatly frustrated to not comprehend why I am so alone in this fight.

Speech Topic and Stuff

Ok, yesterday I asked my teacher about my speech topic. She said that it was too persuasive, and that I should save it for my persuasive speech. Instead, she suggested that I could do my speech on Aspergers Syndrome. I think that is too much of a generalized topic...I need to narrow it down...But what should I inform the audience about Aspergers? The AS Spectrum? The history? The difficulties? Any suggestions?

I really don't want to go to school today...it is only a history lecture. I could spend that time doing history homework at home. Also, I REALLY need to pick up some food for my leopard gecko. I could use that time to get her some food from the pet store, do my history study guide, and then go out with my Aunt Kathy who is in town. Hmmm...choices choices.

Also, Monday is my grandmother's birthday as well as my cousin's. There will be a big party at my house as it is my grandmother's 80th and my cousin's 30th. I am not one for big parties. I've had bad experiences with them. When I was a kid, I'd invite everyone, and no one from the class would show up. If I was lucky, one or two came for some cake. This party is not about me though so I will put forth my best effort to celebrate their day. However, I will have a long night and will have to try and prevent a meltdown from being overstimulated!

College Courses and Tests

I've been doing very well on my tests in Biology and History. For Biology, I've received scores of 12o and 100 on our first two exams! I got a B+ on my History test because I missed one of the ten questions. I am very happy with these grades, but I haven't been studying much. I know this will lead to the end of my success so I have talked to an advisor on how to study more effectively. She suggested that I take notes while I am reading the chapters--I did this yesterday and found it very helpful. It not only fits my learning style, but also broke up the labor of reading so much. The other courses I am taking are a college success skills class, and speech class. Speech is kind of difficult, only in that she is strict on her grading of students' presentations. I have to do my third speech, an informative one. I chose to do the evolution of Taekwondo. First though, I need to get my topic approved, and it has to pass various tests of my professor's. Also, I have been accepted into the club Phi Theta Kappa and am going to my first meeting on Tuesday. Tuesdays and Thursdays are LONG days for me, and it is only 5:00 in the morning...So, back to sleep for 1.5 more hours!

Starting Over

I decided to start my blog over. It had been a very long time since I had attended to it, so I am hoping that this one will be better than the last. Not much is happening as of late, but last month I returned to college. It is alright so far. Currently, I am still attending TaeKwonDo and spending a great deal of my time on the computer. I finally have time on the weekends to play WoW. I just try and do a homework marathon in one day before Saturday.

I've tapped into my creative side recently, drawing and scrapbooking mainly. I find it somewhat helpful as I am a very visual and kinesthetic learner. Hopefully I will post some of my art on this blog soon.

Today I am doing Taekwondo in the school's second location. It is quite a drive, and I am already a little upset that it is a change in routine, as I do not do well with change! However, I've been told to keep forging ahead, and so I do. Wiish me luck!